The following is a dramatic reenactment of the phone call that woke me up this morning:
Me: (cranky and craggy sounding) hello?
Caller: hi. Who is this?
(The number on the caller id has been calling for the last couple of days. Unknown calls excite Lisa because they conjure up false hopes in lonely Lisa’s little heart; Hopes that some heretofore undiscovered friend is calling to invite her out to so something fun. She picks up the phone mildly irritated but very intrigued. Caller is boy. Lisa’s heart jumps into her throat and she starts going through her rolodex of shame, trying to remember if she was ever stupid enough to give one of them her number)
Me: Huh? I didn’t call you. You called me. Who is this?
Caller: Who is this?
(This back and forth went on for way too long. Caller is surprisingly stubborn)
Me: (grudgingly) it’s Lisa
Caller: What a coincidence.
Me: uhhh. (Lisa has extreme difficulty understanding anything in the morning. Always. But this is some legitimately confusing shit. Brow is furrowed, cigarette is lit. Names she never wanted to remember are running through her head) Oh. Huh? What? Do you know me? Who is this? Seriously. I don’t understand. (Lisa is beginning to whine. She resents this tremendous strain on her mental faculties. They are not equipped to deal with guessing-games or mindfuck in the early morning)
Caller: Who do you think it is?
Me: Honestly I don’t know. Boys never call me. Do we know each other? You woke me up. I’m so confused. I’m so tired. What’s happening? I don’t understand….
Caller: (finally reveals his identity with an ill-conceived obviously bullshit disclaimer) it’s Herb. I was doing my taxes and I found this number…. I didn’t know whose it was…soo…
Me: (suppressing the urge to burst into an “as if”) So you randomly decided to call it?
Caller: Of course.
Me: Even though you didn’t know who it belonged to? Nevermind. (Sigh. Giggle. Lisa is secretly delighted that her drunken stalker has resurfaced and he is sober no less. She is a shameless attention and flattery whore and hasn’t spoken to anyone in a week. Desperate times…She suppresses the urge to question his obviously false story of the circumstances leading up to the phonecall. Lisa launches into the best impersonation she can muster of enthusiasm, hoping she will charm the stalker into falling in love with her again or at least going out with her tonight…) What’s up?